we all love to play

we all love to play, dont we? in purpose or not, we play all the time.
we play with our ego, with someone's heart, someone's pride, and our pride, till we lose.
how can you tell me you want me back when you are the one who let me go.
when you are the one who asked me to move on ?

and when i did, and seems to be happy with my life you come back and say the things im longing to hear 2 months ago?
but not now. not when im over you, not when im happy with someone new, not when im ready
to leave you.

dont you think its a tad bit late?
its funny and ironic, hes back when you dont want him anymore. how i wish he would say all the things he need to say yesterday..

there's a thousand hint for all this time

i've ignored the hints he had given me.
simple thing, when we made love, he never seems like he's really into me. he was just focus on the sex, its totally different.
when we were together, i can tell that he's into me, but after all the rocky road we've been through, he's just changed.
and its obvious. i was just too stupid to ignored all the signs.

i should've known that he wasnt that into me.
i should've known.

1st night

welcoming me to the new place. alright, its all settled and done. im on my own now. no more him, no more sleeping around his stuff, no more his face in the morning.
i should be happy for this shouldn't i? it makes it easier for me to move on, but turns out, its the opposite way. i hate it.
i feel weak, i feel tired, i feel like i don't know where i'm going, i know, this is not going to be like this forever, but right now, thats just how it feels.
i miss him, i miss us, i miss the old me when i was with him. i was like the happiest person, always smiling, always happy no matter what happen.
i just smile whenever im with him.

and now, look at me, all sad and gloomy, and i hate the mask im wearing now. i hate pretending that i am fine, because im not!
but tell me, what can i do to change this? i can do nothing. i won't change his mind. nobody will ever change someone's mind unless they want to. i've done all i can. im sure i did. does it change the situation? no.

i don't know how long its going to last? i dont know when will i finally moving on..
no promises, but the only thing that i can do is enjoying the pain and let my tears falls down
no denying, no more pretending...
i believe time will heal.
but lord knows how i love that guy, how im still longing for him.

and i have to get use to this now. i should be over you. and enjoying my empty space.
sooner or later everything will be ok, yes?

well, i hope so.. :)

sleep alone

i dont like it but i don't have any other option. its just the emptiness and this single bed and single moon.
meanwhile i know you are happy somewhere, and i admirer you who can get thru this easily
way too easy. oh wait , its because you are the one who let me go, and you are the one who just walk away

good for you, you dont have to wear my shoes. you don't feel sad or empty or even left behind,
you don't miss me the way i missed you. so yeah sure its easy for you.
then im getting sick and tired missing you like hell, when you don't even care about me.

how unfair is that huh? well, correct me if im wrong, but its always easy for them who's left, not the one who's been left.
i wish i could sing no regret, i wish i could be the one who left you. i wish i never met you.

i wish i never met you. so i dont have to be like this. a broken hearted lady, who's trying to survive every single day.
i wish i was bad to you and our relationship. i wish i wasn't that into you.
so i could just play you like a yo-yo just like what you did to me.

im sorry, but i do regret it. i regret the day i let you step in to my life.
i regret the day i fall for you, i regret i ever trusted you.
i regret every moment of it.
i regret you.

now im just gonna sleep alone, and smile .
goodnight moon...
hope you are gone by the time i wake up in the morning

d

you and me

oh!

lets..

please learn to love me

and im telling you..
im telling you everything i need to say
and yet i'm surprised how im living in your lies
and you let me

didn't i tell you that my love is real
it's not something you can play with
... no no no way

i should've hate you
please don't go
i don't wanna be broken hearted
it hurts but i love you enough to
forgive and forget

i didn't know where to turn to
and i cant see some way to forget you
try to love me, just try it
give it a chance, you can learn
i know you can..

.. im kneeling and begging you
please learn to love me

i want to fall in love!

ahh i miss the feelings, i miss having someone to share the love with, i want to have someone to think about.
i know, sometimes its good when you are loveless, when you don't have anyone to think about, but somehow i miss it!
i miss the butterflies, i miss the sparks, i miss the giggle, i miss all the feelings! and maybe i miss the drama.
i love being in love, i like it! i love love!
when will my time come? when when oh when? when will i met this guy? the guy who can make me smile all the time,
someone who can make me dance without music, someone to call my lover!

wheeeen??

wishes for today! tuesday ! tuesday!

so many wishes , oh so many wishes .
i want this i want that and i want all of them
i wanna wake up in the morning seeing your face,
i wanna laugh with you in the morning
i wanna smile with you before we leave the bed


i wanna call you in day time just to let you know how i feel
i wanna day dreaming about you
i wanna have lunch with you in the corner
laughing giggling and kissing


i want to open the door and seeing you there
run the hot water and share stories with you
i wanna to curl with you under the blanket
whisper to you how much i need you

and say goodbye to the moon with you ..


amen

is it worth it?

the more people tried to warn me not to do it, the more i want to do it, the more i wanna get it! i know i know i know,
i blame myself even more, and i tried to stop but i just can't. if you know how, please do tell me because i'm stuck.
i don't care about the other things anymore, i dont care about the physical stuff, or else, i can bear with it. i can take it.
i know its even crazier, i can't believe myself either, because i know its not gonna be easy. never.
our different path, and background will give us a very huge distance. but its written in the melody, i care about him.

and i know i will. and im not gonna try to change him. not even a bit, well maybe for some small things :p

i know realize that i will never get an approval for this.

i have to fight

and just let me be

i don't know whats got into me, all i care is, i know what im doing, i know what i want, and i know where i want to go.
loving someone who doesn't love you once, and living in someone's lie has got me into this. i don't really believe in gold anymore,
i don't believe in everything that shines.
you know you can always learn from problems that comes to you, and this is what i have learnt.
i know i may be wrong, i may be insane, and being totally non sense but i know what im doing.
i will follow my heart, and a little bit of my head, i'll go whenever i want to go, i'll do whatever i want to do
and collecting stories and experience to tell to my kiddos and grand daughter some day.
its gonna be one hell of a stories.

thanks for caring and warn me when to stop and be sane, but i know i will never stop unless i want to.
you all know, i will always do what am gonna do, and i will never stop just because a thousands people have warned me.
i will never.

i will never elevate this, not now. this is my life and just please let me be..

i don't want to be alone tonight

i don't want to sleep alone tonight. i want you to be there, just to watch me sleeping, i want to feel you beside me, near me, touch me, feel me.
i want you to sing me a beautiful lullaby, bed time stories, whatever i don't care.

don't think just do

maybe i am crazy, but having this huge huge curiosity won't kill you, even if it does, at least i'd die trying, and it won't be useless.
i wanted to run with you, no promises that i would stay for a long time, but that's not impossible. maybe, just maybe.
meanwhile, we could be happy, we could make each other laugh and embrace the moment we'll share.
this is madness, but forget about how we were, lets just close our eyes, let them be blur, and be crazy, be ridiculous, be spontaneous, be wild, we only live once!

somehow, everything i own can be the smell of you, i can be your smell for a while. we can hide from them, while we hug each other. we will survive, we will, my dear. as long as you won't be afraid.
life is suppose to be free, to be bold and to be fun, just break the rules people have made for all this time, lets live in our own world, where there are no rules.

we can run, we can chase the sun, sleeping under the moon, and kissing under the stars.
dont think, just do...

more than anything i want..

dont think just do..

so long..so long..

now its all done. after a very long useless journey, we both decided to end it. well, the idea was from him and i agreed.
its not that i don't love him anymore, its just that i have to do it, otherwise we'll run over the same circle and the story will
remain the same.
i cried for the goodbyes, i cried for the happy moment we'd shared together, i cried for us, i cried for the laughter and all.
guess, this is the time where we should walk separately.
i'm sad because i have to face the day without him, but im not afraid.
i know, i am sure that i will be ok. it might hurt a little bit, but i'll get over it.
well, i dont think for another relationship or guys, no. i just wanna be with myself and appreciate myself a little bit more.

we both deserve to be happy. so if its the best way, then be it.

thank you for everything, and thank you for the best memories. i mean it. :)
so long my dear friend,..


xoxo
d

a fool for love

you know, surprisingly, when it comes to love, even the smartest person can turn into a fool.
i amazed how love can blinded our mind and block our system. and we use feelings as our excuse
and from that, comes the denial part.
a friend of mine, she is trapped in a triangle of love . she's in love with a married man.
she knows that that is wrong, but she couldn't find away to get the hell out of the relationship.
she tried to find some good excuses to stay, and find it hard to let it go
good god, she is like the smartest person ever, and look at her now, she is such a fool for love.

and me, i always think that i'm such a fool for love, but i can give you a very smart and rational advice
and when i have to do it, i just cant. it seems like our brain and our heart can't work together.
maybe that's love. love is fool, love is blind, love is not meant to be understood by brain.
its something that only feelings and heart can handle.

shitty i know, how we wish we can control love and our heart.

something something

i don't want to dramatized things, between you and me, but i can't help it but to let my mind wanders around.
i don't wanna make a fuss about it, labels, status, or whatever it is. all i know is, you are here, but there's something that makes me question myself and question you.
how long are we gonna be like this? playing innocent and playing no commitment tricks?
which im getting tired of it.
i know where im standing, but then, i know, there's a lot of unwritten or unspoken rules that i cannot break and cross.
and that's exactly the problem.

You said that we are no longer an item, we are not a couple who's carrying a commitment in our shoulder. But we're still doing things that an item would do.
And it makes me question myself, am i allowed to go out with other guys? or are you?
am i walking in the same path like you? is it worth it? or its just a waste of time?is it gonna be ok if we date another person? And neither of us talked about that.

are we afraid of the answer? because the answer either will keep us even closer, or make us scared to keep doing this.
because honestly, this is confusing and i dont like being confused. i just dont know what to do.

well, if i stay, will you come back to me? and if not,then what are we doing here? why would we spent our time for nothing?

could you please tell me what do you want?

D

note

fact

i miss you too much last night

it was hard for me to get into sleep because i miss you too much it makes me wants to cry, and i did.
i cried because i wish you were there with me, and how i realize that i need you around me, you make me feel safe whenever you are around. and i hate the fact that i have to face such a lonely night without you there beside me.
i may sounds weak, but i never knew i could miss you the way i missed you last night.
i thought im strong, well at least stronger since the day you left me, but turns out, i am not. i miss you and i just cried wanting and hoping that you were there with me last night, just to hold me close so i can fall asleep..

now i know how i feel about you, i suddenly realize . and i will stop pretending.

:)

this is what i wanted to say